Sunday, August 9, 2015

Disability thru summer 2015

The eve of back to school always brings many emotions. After a year and a half of disability leave, I am grateful. Grateful for better health, time, and a stress free Time. Thankful for slow mornings with my gal, thankful for new friends, thankful for time alone, thankful for time, thankful for room mommming, thankful for my gal and a nice return home for Noah. Did I expect to miss it- yes. Did I expect tears and today's bedtime- no. I find that going back to work is unsettling. I thrived under disabilities' advantages. Time with nancy and time to explore the world as a stay at home parent. It's wonderful for a girl like me. Did accomplishments run far- yes. The only one not met is the ability to run 3 miles with no problem. That, however, can be fixed starting tomorrow as tonight I am tired, wined up, and tired. Time at home gave me family time, Nick time, health, a sense of calm that is hard to find under stress and responsibility of a full time job. I loved it and am sooooo grateful for it. On the eve of returning back to work, I find the tears easy to produce as Natalia goes to bed and I think of the 5:45 am alarm to fit in the gym. Blah, blah, blah... I am concerned entering full time employment again. I am concerned of the effect hard work has on my family, my health. However, I trust that looking back on this time I will be happy to know that I had it and happy to know that I am again able to make it work alongside the ability to be with Noah and friends in a work place, contributing environment. It's all good, however, I hate to see it go. It was a blessed time.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

One Year

Last year at this time.. I chose time out from work. Big decision. Seemed really significant. Health wise totally the needed and right move. Now a year later I find a level of post traumatic stress about the whole issue, for lack of better phrases. All do respect, really. Just telling Noah last night, its interesting to now catch a fever or a bad back and find myself thinking I am back at square one and Fu**ed, in the hospital, super welcoming thin, and out of energy... ready to pass out in front of Kitch and Liz. I try to remember this and realize that that is not my reality now. I still assume every normal person blip (like this week's fever) does not mean I am screwed and back on prednisone. Then, I look at the evidence- high energy ( yet lack of motivation), highest weight ever (so not used to accepting this, not willing to accept this), one medication, and looking at a summertime until returning to work and I get grounded. Stopped in my tracks wondering what can I do with this leftover time. I miss my gal pals at the work and seeing them all the time. I look forward to this, in a huge way. I look forward to summertime in Colorado and the seaside. WE are finally heading back to the motherland and this excites me. So goals are being set... starts with saying yes to those things procrastinated. New bathroom, thank you DJ. New house in Seaside. Super funly expensive. Colorado return- its been 4 years and the sharing of nature in that capacity excites me tremendously. Anyhows, perhaps the vomit of this blog deserves a simple list of accomplishments written for just me and the world to view. Yes, I am that important. What have I accomplished with this time: 1. Natalia time that cannot be replaced 2. Peaceful timings 3. Health 4. Fundraising experiences 5. Volunteering and being a part of Natalia's class 6. Nancy 7. Calm 8. Distance from the frustrating 9. Low key time with Mom 10. Desire to keep on making something new of myself. This #10 is the challenge. SO now that the energy and physicality are there... where does it get to take me these final months of disability. Exciting, yes!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Resting in the Peace

For those of you in the know, I feel for a young 21 year old woman who passed this week from a battle with the beast. Weekly meetings without her there were ominous and ghastly in their premonition for her welfare. Last Tuesday, a dear young gal lost her battle with the beast and today, one week later, I think of her and wish her family the best. She tried, she didn't overcome. Recovery was not in her cards. May her death remind us of the gravity of mental illnesses and their ability to take hold and take over. Peaceful days, dear Kim.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Funday versus Moanday

Upon the working Monday, it would often be nicknamed, "The Moanday". Early risings, jarring injection into multiple children, and a full week ahead of ourselves until family time starting Fraturday night brought on the appreciative moans. Now a a days, Moanday has transferred into My Day. Its the day of the week where I do only what I want and I tend to love this day as much as any weekend 24 hour. Counting disability benefits, here. So this morning, My Day brings me to the coffee shop to hear what's going on around me and a wakeup to some kick ass artwork! Upon arrival at a sunny spot by the window with a warm cup of coffee, I find myself next to those discussing the demons. Demons? I got plenty of those.... what demons are they talking about, I wonder. So up goes the newspaper and I pretend to be reading carefully and spend the moments eavesdropping. Here is what I found out they believe.... if you are grappling with your sexuality and are not leaning towards the hetero, you are demonized. Specifically because, "intimate relations with a man and a man, I mean, gets the sperm into the wrong address. There's no egg or uterus there. Just demons!" So there you go. Never heard folks try to "realign" a person's sexuality by talking postal services. Disclaimer: I fully trust all postal services, UPS, FedEx and its ability to get things to all types of addresses- from the house to the apartment to the college dorm room. Young man, you're not demonized, you're alright. Change of address not required.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

less than intersting post

So... its been a week worth of no sugar. Feel really great about it. So now a new week is upon us all and I have the time to set more to accomplish. Things that are constructive, yet the result of pure luxurious opportunity. Got some good ideas for the week to make things more interesting. 1. No sugar continuation 2. Ice Skating 3. Coffee shop time, eavesdropping blog about stories I make up about the folks seen 4. Vacation Rental choices 5. Bathroom remodel- call DJ, and get some tile samples 6. Learn something new and challenging 7. Bup time Most excited about the learn something new and challenging. So... I look towards ballet classes.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Lost in a World of Thoughts- a semi full confessional

I look at this picture and think... nope not mad, just tired of being a certain way. Okay, they say that there was this Jesus. Possible. They say that he died to honor our wretched selves/sins. Possible, hugely compassionate. So I think this year, there are things to change and I think I am going to honor the idea of a Jesus giving it all to the better good- to Mother Earth, as Natalia calls it. Spring enters the air and I think that work is coming up in just a mere two seasons, I wonder what have I done with this time? Jesus does relate, just wait. Let me make a list first. 1. Crohn's seems in control- not by doctor orders but by me. Surgeries, hospitals, prednisone, setons, etc. feel like they might be at an end. Success. Expecting another ball to drop, but don't think this is going to happen in relation to the Crohner anytime before going back to work. Phew. 2. The beast is not quiet, however, its number is in the range. Reluctant success. 3. Volunteer time at Natalia's school. Awesome success. 4. Time alone. Awesome success. 5. No stress. Hooplah! 6. Time with Nick, that can't be taken back and full enjoyed and appreciated. It was a rare moment which I hope can be again repeated and moved into this Spring. 7. Monday night group 8. No stress. Hooplah! 9. Morning Natalia time, beyond awesome! 10. Rest Of course, there are things like removal from the annoying, attitudinal shifts and the like, however, it is still time to keep the change going. So here is what is a struggle for me. A luxury struggle, if you will, thus, even more worthy of change. I love the sweets in any form- cookie, brownie, or alcohol. I wont give up the cocktail, just like I won't give up the morning coffee, yet, I can give up the sweets, if I just made the decision. So to put a #11 on my list.. I officially remove sweets from my daily, yes, daily routine. If Jesus could die for a conviction, the least I could do is remove sweets as my conviction. Sweets vs. death are not even comparable, however, I put it into my feeble perspective of me. I eat a lot of them. I eat a lot of them on disability and do a lot less with their provisions. I am not sure if it is only the beast talking... but for Lent I plan on giving up the sweets. It satisfies the beast by disciplinary requirements,and my tight jeans that I cannot afford to replace. However, I also know, its a health improvement and a behavioral/craving challenge. Sugars are a major inflammatory agent and this last stage of health improvement would welcome this. I will be returning to work in the Fall and hope to be in tip top shape in order to enjoy and excel at the position. Long story short.. for Lent... (I continue to use the three dots as anticipatory suspense), I will no longer eat sweets, and will do it in the honor of.. if Jesus could suffer that much the least I can do is give up the cupcake and the peanut butter cup! Here we go starting earlier that Wednesday, just because tomorrow is Monday. I use this blog to keep me acCountable to the cloud. Welcome to 2015!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

a href="" imageanchor="1" > If it were possible here are all the things I would wish for after a family death and a bunch of fun and BS in my world. 1. Brigitte, just come back. Bill just, come back. 2. Brigitte, make it all pretend and a bad nightmare. 3. Spend lots of money and have some left. 4. Be drunk and let nap time last forever. 5. Spend lots of money to find pleasure at least temporarily and be okay with this. 6 Not need to feel like should deal with MPs and such. 7. Ask myself, who am I writing this to? The biggest blog fan is dead. On a better, more rational, healthy perspective. Brigitte represented everything that a Randolph could be without the judgement. Brigitte felt to me to be that person that was present and where a Randolph could go. This seems so inconsequential and narcassistic, however, lets not call the kettle black. She was that person to me that carried no judgement and, as Denise said, made you feel in life you could do anything. Any dream was possible. Failing in dream accomplishment was also fine and just a minor set back. She was strong and this was admirable. She was strong in that she was able to overcome developmental and youthful abuses, marriage tribulations, family dysfunction, and typical life challenges and JOYS. She was cerebral, as Denise said, and continued to be interesting and inspirational. She made us all feel good, despite how maybe she felt about life. I will miss her terribly. I will miss the life force that she was to me. I am mad that she wasn't given more time of bliss. I am mad that she wasn't able to see her boys continue their lives. I am pissed that she couldn't meet Natalia and death got her. I am sad. I< wish she would just come back and start this day over. Fuck today and fuck "moving on".